Akhenaton

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:08:08 GMT

I sit at my desk after several hours of disturbed sleep. I have been an angry person, and tending to lash out lately, and yet I fell that today I have a right to, again the country has put to the test the idea that homosexuals are people who deserve the same rights as everyone else, and sadly again the people have said No.

What is worse is that Ian, in a way my last sibling, still does not understand and has been again and again saying he supports me, he does so in the most condescending way. let me explain. Ian has been discussing marriage on several occasions lately, and each time he talks about it as a boding and a happy union, and he talks of children. Yet when ever the topic comes up about gay marriage he always says "you have the same right to be miserable that straight people do" and he fails to see how this is condescending and quite frankly hateful. Ian while never being the most empathic of all people until a few years ago was a person of enough tact and open-mindedness to not make those statements, or at least I never saw them that way. he when he lived a life of vice and promiscuity was not a person to judge and let peoples ideas stand with out condemnation, even if he did argue to the hilt. yet now, every idea that is foreign to him is stupid, or irrelevant. Gay rights he sees as a distraction from the real problems of the day, and a waist of time, or at least he treats them that way.

I wonder weather it is he that has changed, or weather it is me. do I see more clearly the bigotedness in his words because I am trained to see the assumptions better than I ever have been before in my life, or are the assumptions new. I wonder is it I who have changed so dramatically, or weather it is he. More likely it is both, but even so I am at a loss for what to do.

I find taht I can not communicate to him what it is that makes me so upset, and when I try he see it as an attack on his values and beliefs. He says that I lack the very acceptance and tolerance that I demand in others. At times I know he is right, I have a knee jerk reaction to hate mongers, and dealers in fear. I feel like I am facing in microcosm what the country faces in macrocosm. at every point I feel I have made, and won, is just reversed or forgotten when next he sleeps, or more likely as soon as the subject is dropped.

What hurts most of all is that this man who has been my brother with all the negative and possitve associated with that, has chosen a culture, and politics, and ideology that says I am less than he. Add to this the basic inferiority I feel to teh fact that he is independent, and making more money in one year than I will see in the next 10, as well as some how having steady if not truly healthy romantic relationships I also wonder if it is not my jealousy that makes me so harsh.

I wish I knew, I wish I had someone who knew us both well to bounce this off of, I wish Mem were here. but as teh saying goes if wishes were fishes we would all cast nets, or for the none nautical if wishes were wings then sheep would fly.

I am angry and hurt that Main has passed a law that looks very much like the early Jim crow laws, and the early anti-Jewish laws of Hitler, or even teh laws of the Roman empire near its fall or a dozen other historical examples that never ended well for the people the laws were restricting, or the society that restricted the people. yet there is not a damn thing I can do that will make a noticable difference. But then again if I do not try then I know nothing will ever change. my heart and soul are tired and I feel like giving up and moving to canada, even thought it is far to cold up there, at least I would have the same rights as stright people take for granted.

It hurts to know that the country does not care, but what hurts worse is that my brother does not care. I am a sad and soppy, and powerless, because no change ever came from outside a person and worked in the long run.

I am tired in my soul, in my mind and in my body yet I sleep far to much, and get nothing done. Time runs short and all I can do is watch the hour glass.

"tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creep on at this petty pace, until the last syllable of recorded time. Out out brief candle life is but a poor player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing."

but I remind my self that there are no more stupid lovers in all time and space than Romeo and Juilet, who if only they had had the strength to face another day could have seen happiness, but chose to die. Fucking idiots

and i remind my self of my favorite quote, the one that drives me well at least used to drive me, now it just keeps me from giving up completely

"And this above all, to thine own self be true"

So in what is truly my fashion I will end with yet another quote to lighten this dreary monologue of text

"no trees were destoried in the creation of this message, but many electrons were terribly inconvenienced"

Questions comments and advice are welcome

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:05:41 GMT

So the more times I have managed to get through the more I really think life is just one giant joke at my, and everybody elses expense

Things i have found out about my self. I am a codependent, but not your normal type, I like being independent, strong willed, and doin gmy own thing when I bloody well want to. However much like Granny Weatherwax, what is the point of being an independent minded strong willed, and usualy all around good person, if there is no one there to see it. With out some kind of other peopel around I find I just sit and molder. I see this more clearly than I ahve in a while beacuse depression always brings out the extreams of my emotions.

There are some problems that other people have that I never thought could be problems. I have recently been completely amazed and flabergasted by a complete lack of understanding demonstrated by house guest, and that is a correct and precise deffinition, which makes the entire argument in two words if you know the background. As far as teh background goes, well I would like to talk about it, but at the same time I do not so being undecided I will follow my oldest guideline, write nothign and say only things that are very ambigious

So I have also recently found out I have no sex drive. This is not to say I do not want sex which would be correct but misleading. I do not want sex, I want to have someone to make love with, which is a very different kettle of fish.

Oh and to tack on at the end I have my comprehensive oral exams this friday at 9 am. it disturbes me that I am not nervious about them, in fact I would be hard pressed to summon up an emotional reaction to them. This is not a good sign,

Well it is late I am tired, and there is a fuck ton of work for tommorow, well technichnicaly later today, so good night , and good luck

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 07:38:58 GMT

It is very obvious to anyone who has known me for any length of time that I am by nature a pompus person, well to be honest I am a pompus overeducated pain in the ass, but in a good way.

I have for a long time been more than a little bit crazy, never truly insane, but not necessarly all there either. I have many time when looking hard at my life, the world around me, and most dangerous into my own soul, that I might just lose my grip and go flying off into comforting unreality so thick I would never emerge, It is a tempting dream, but I no longer fear it as I used to, I might fear it again some day, but today, I fear losing what scienfiction would call my humanity, what religon would call my soul, and fantasy would pick something nearly unpronouncable.

It is gettign easier and easier to be casualy cruel, I take more and more delight in the suffering of others that I see. MY instictinct for compassion is feeble at best, I find I do not care anymore, and that it is freeing, that all the power I ever wanted to seek vengence, to change minds and lives and generaly fuck up the social and mental life of anyone and everyone in my path, with a few exceptiosn of people I know full well are just smarter than me. I will say this, that is a smaller number than I have lead anyone to believe it is. I sit alone in my appartment, having finished one segement of work, and considereing the next, and vissions of the kinds of problems I could cause dance through my mind, I destroy entire families, leave people so scared that they may recover but will always have that limp, all of this is metaphorical of course, the dammage would be emotional, and if I played my cards right I could even get some of them to thank me for Train fucking their lives.

It has always been a fear of mine that I would lose it one day, and put my mind to terrible things, but many many things stopped me and prevented it from happening. Of those things I have overcome most of them, out grown others, out smarted some, a few I can simply avoid and the rest have died.

I fear the part of me that wishes not to care, and who might just win

Strange symitry

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 03:49:07 GMT

So I haave been rearanging my appartment this evening, It has occured to me that nothing in my life is the same or ever will be again, so why the hell should my appartment look the same. Especialy beacuse I like to think of it as a very small, and far to expensive, fortress againse all that I do not want, here things are how I want them, and I like this a lot.

That is all tangental to the point of I was rearanging my appartment, and realised, shortly after I moved it that the large Tree photograph, that my Mother parched up for me, just so I could have a tree, had fallen, while I was gone. I have been back almost a week, and have spent several days here befor and did not notice that it had fallen, but as I think back it has been down sence the first time i left in June. I wonder if it fell when she did, or some time, before or after, it would be a wonderful thing to write a paper on, or far better a short story, that makes far more sense.

I am not well at the moment, I am very much not well but time has run out, and I am scating on grace, and my teeth's skin. I sit all day and live in worlds where the are warp drives, and switching the polarity means something, and ther are comercial breaks, and happy endings, or at least sappy good byes. I sit in the hobbbit hole that I live in, and sulk, and feel sorry for my self, nd try to get things done, but fail most of the time. I have to keep moving, but it is so hard, so very hard.

in any case, I am off to do something mildly socail online.

untill later

Back in san marcos again

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:27:58 GMT

SO I am back in the small Texas town of san marcos, (ten points who to any who get the song reference, but it is a long shot)

SO I have been here for a few days, and have I recently realized, that I have literally been hiding in small dark hole. My apartment is semi-subterranean. I have been nocturnal, and have not used any lights, and been very steeped in sci fi specifically Star Trek, DS9, TNG, Voyager, as well as Babylon 5, SG-1 Dr. Who doctors 1-4, 9 and 10. It has been a strange input. I have also got my graduation set up, I will achieve my masters degree in December. I still have to get all of my PhD apps out soon, I have to write them sooner, I also have to finish a paper, and that in the next 48 hours.

I have come to see that there is an interesting breakdown of motivating principle of aliens in Star trek. each one has its own species that fit into the larger pattern of the universe.
Humans are driven by the experiential, the motivation is to understand, through experience, almost always 'exploration'

The Vulcans are driven by logic (duh)
TEH roumlans by ambition,
Kilgon passion
Bejorian spiritual
Cardiassian these are more complex, in that they are defined as duty to the state, echos the concept of mother Russia

I could continue but it belongs in a paper, that I will write later this semester probably. I am taking media criticism

So (think long pause) I find my self having come in a strange and indirect circle. 8 years ago I was struggling to finish high school, I was overwhelmed and crushed, and emoptionaly deactivated for a long time, eventualy almost a year later I suffered extream dream orientation, I would wake up and not remember who I was or whare I was, and it took some time to remeber those things.

I do not know what is going to happen next, and I thought befoire this whappened, when Mem was alive, that I was prepaired, that I could cope with anything in the long term. now I know how arigoant I was, I have laways had that flaw, It was cute for longer than most untill I was about 10, then it got obnicious, when I hit high school I becmae something very odd, annoying, and quite shallow, and limited. Then Helen died, I became a radicaly different person overnight infact, and then fought through highschool, and then got to New Orleans, for College and began a strange and in a New Orleans way very beautiful.

I came to San Marcos for college, but I lived in Houseton, and found through time and long searching good people.

Now again, when I thought I had the world under controle it shatters again. How strange the twists of fate. how crule the bite. (HOW emo, HOW goth, How melodramatic)

Damn

said the fish that ran into the wall

Holy hell I am a bit scrambled yet, I hope prof Burnette is kind to the paper.

I feel the need to talk but know not what to say I do not like this sam I am I do not like green eggs and ham.

I feel like Mrs. WHo not to be confused with Dr. Who, she spoke almost entirely in quotations

well here is to tomorrow and tomorrow that creep on at this petty pace, until the last syllable of recorded time

before I really get bad and start to say stupid things meant to provoke I will leave this atempt at self expression where it is. untill the next one

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:28:28 GMT

Well I have made an interesting discovery. i think I know why I have lost my filter. i am using it to stop other things from getting into my attention, instead of keeping my commentary on reality internal.

The event that triggered, this discovery was walking out into the garage, and seeing the Trikke, which is the thing Memmy was on when she fell. It actually took me a few moments to identify, and understand what the object was, and then it took another few moments to realize that there was almost no emotional reaction. i say almost, beacuse there was one but it was very muted, and lacked any really force.

I wonder if this is a survival, a denial, a convince, or just an unavoidable thing.

oh well this one need a lot more thought

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:54:55 GMT

SO I had a very telling dream last night.

remember this one 'dream fact' this is in quotes because it it is not and as far as i know can not be proven, but as a general rule when in a dream water represents emotions, salt water with the overtone of tears.

another fact for context of the dream is that, I have been playing an x box 260 version of Magic, the old card game. it has been a great way to do something mundane, fun, and so complex that I can not dwell on other shit.

So this dream, the beginning is a bit foggy, but I know that me and a small group were defending a tower (as in a wizard or soccer's fortress, yes I dream in fantasy archetypes get over it) In this tower, we were overrun twice, at different points, but managed to survive and take it back, Water was everywhere, and a huge swimming pool and lots and lots of water. I was in charge, and the defense was mostly countering and deflecting what the others did (very blue deck don't you think)

Anyway the only section of the dream that is clear in my memory, is that after driving out the invader for the second time we found that they had bobietaped the tower, and caused it to full completely with water, so everything is submerged, in what amounts to millions of gallons of water. so myself and one other, a guy, none distinctive, except that he id dark haired, and taller than me, so it could be anyone.

We work togeather to start the process of draining the fortress to make it fully functional again, but while swimming through all of this, some how bubles get caught behind my glasses and I go blind for a while, the air makes it impossible to see through the water, so I have to get rid of it. (interesting huh)

The final image of the dream is me looking out a kitchen window in this fortress, and seeing the pump, a massive machine, truly huge, and out of a center relief valve comes bubbles, lots of them, some huge, many very small. It looked like when ever movies open large doors underwater. some noise behind me makes me turn around, and before I can turn I have woken up.

There are obvious very obvious overtones to these dreams, the second invasion, and near distrcution of the fortress, the complete submersion in watery emotion, the need to find a way to drain it off, the understanding in the dream that it would take a long time to move that much water. It is the little things, like what does the air mean, or symbolize, especially in that fact that it was all bubbles, and they were opaque, while the water was clear.

Interestingly I could breath under water but only with difficulty, and only though my mouth. I think I had gills, but I am not sure. (if I did that is another thing that I am not sure I get the symbolism.)

Anyway i am marking time, working through school, and trying not to drown. *sigh*

well back to work, there are speeches to analyze and papers to write.

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:35:38 GMT

SO while working my way through a really messed up 5 week summer semester, I have noticed several things.
1. I am not doing half as well as I think I am,
2 I think I am doing preaty shitty, and much worse than I look
3. death and references to death are everywhere in our culture all the time, usualy violent death, the number of references to it are much higher than you think
4. refernces to sex in my personal count over the last few days are not even 1/2 of the number to death
5. for all of the talk about death no one talks about grief, they just move on to the next joke, the next story etc.

6. I am find my self being much more cynical these past few weeks, and becoming steadily more and more bitchy

7. it is not ok, and I wish i could see the end

8. Yes I am aware that there is an end to this level of shittiness

9. The question I have is how many years,

10. Oh and will I recover before the next one, i am currently gathering dates, but 6 family members have died, and 2 friends. Those number do not seam right.... I may be mistaken, but 8 people most of them in the last 10 years. If this is a long term trend i do not think I am going to make it.

11. Oh another observation, there is about a 50% probability, if a pattern exists, that another death will follow in the next 8 to 10 months.

12. I doubt that there is a discernable patter very much

13. At least with Helen i had some one to blame, to hate, to forgive, in this case, i will never know what truly happened, only that my Mem is dead.

14. I am again broken, and I am not sure I was even really in one piece before this

15. All that is left to do, is the task infrom of me, keep breathing, keep moving, where there is life there is hope, so I keep moving, like life does,

16. however, I am not sure I want to live to be 200 anymore, especialy is the next 15 years of my life are any worse than these. May be the life expetency is not there to do anything but stop us from going completely insane, of may be I am really overdramatic today.

*sigh*

until later

Aaron Part 3

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:19:25 GMT

The title comes form a converation I had with a good Friend of my mothers. and here is the back story

On Saterday June 13th my mother, had an accidnt, she fell and recieved a sever head trauma. She was prounced brain dead later that day. Her offical day of death is June the 15th, beacuse that is when they harvested her organs for donation. Just as the death of my sister Helen promted a radical change in who and what i was, so I know will this death. And as Helen's death prompted the creation of my livejournal in the first place as a way to express what I was not able to say out loud, though I never thought of it that way at the time. I again beguin the journal anew.

I am broken, but as with all truly intense injuries there is a delay before the full pain ever hits. I am more than a week in and the pain has not yet truly hit me, I am scared, and frustrated, at least when Helen dies I had someone to blame, and to forgive. I had a target for all of the hatred and anger and bile that rose up at the idea of having to live my life without her, but now that I have lost my Mem the one bridge I had to my father, the person who despite all of our arguments and firghts and secretes knew me better than anyone else is now gone, wiht out a wisper, with out a wimper, lost into mystery, and beliefe, for no proof exists or ever will in my lifetime, so I hope I pray and I believe that there is more, and maybe that is enough. and yet she is gone, and I am lessened, and the world is lessened and yet no one not even me has seamed to notice that things will never be the same, and never agian be as good.

And now if ever I have children, which would have made my mother so happy, I will only ever be able to tell them stories of their grandmother, and hope that that is enough, i will not have her there to help my lover understand and deal with my father, I will not have her to be my support and strength when I have to tell my father that I am gay, I am broken and diminshed, that broken family is now shattered into dust, and sacttered in the wind, yet I hope for a mirical of what kind and descrioption I do not know but I do hope for one

Well that is enough rambling for a start, and besides if i left you less confused than I am I would not be doing my job of making you understand me

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:10:58 GMT

well here I sit again at home, in the very room where the first entry of this rather odd tale of my existence was first written, my spelling may be a shade better, but not by much.

I figured that a basic update with what the hell is going on in my life might be appropriate, considering the existential crap that has been the majority of entries of late.

So I still have not built much of a social life in San Marcos where I now attend graduate school. My existence there is a kind of hermitage, I talk to people from Houston and Austin often enough for it not to be truly a hermitage but it is close, i only tend to see people during class or on campus, but that may change once I start working as a TA which is long over due in all truth.

I had an exam Tuesday, and another this coming Monday. The one on Tuesday had one of those really stupid but very difficult questions. Part A of the question was what does it mean to be a rhetorical critic, which is essentially what I am going to become. I had a blast making it sound glamorous, and such. I even opened with the quote from the outer limits. "Prepare to experience the awe that reaches from the deepest inner mind ..... to the outer limits." It was wonderful.

This weekend I will be in Indiana for my Sisters memorial scholarship. It is going to be interesting and a bit difficult, but somehow after doing these things no matter tha fact that they are hard, I tend to feel better.

on an interesting related note, I had a "small world" experience last weekend. My friend Sonia, who used to date Matt D. who has sadly disappeared off the face of the planet, showed up at my friend Houston Ian's house for a get together. (be thankful no cousins were involved, it would be even more complex). Well her current boy friend named john, knew me years ago, the summer before my junior year of high school, he was a life guard at the same pool. Well once we started talking again over a drink which he was shocked to see me drink, he invited me over to his place for a short April 20th get together. NOW here is where things get interesting. While I was talking to one of his room mates, a very smart but rather eccentric young woman, she recognized me, and asked if Helen was my sister. As it turns out, she was in my sisters senor Directed 1 act play. She had no idea Helen was dead, but we chatted about her for a while. I felt guilty after word because I did not tell her that she was dead. It was so nice to talk to someone about her and not immediately get the instant out pouring of sympathy. It was a wonderful experience.

Oh and on monday right before class I was hit with a slightly un expected bomb shell. I was asked to be the God Father for my Go sisters new son. he is not even born yet. I am very flattered. Yet I am hesitant, I have since Monday decided to say yes. It is odd i have talk to a lot of people and none of them have been any help what so ever. nothing anyone has said makes me believe that they understand what I am thinking. I am not used to not being able to communicate what is in my head to people, I tend to be good at it. Any way, it has shaken me up a bit.

well that is all the news from my little corner of the asylum,
questions comments and advice are welcome on any and all subjects

Signed
Schmendrick

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:40:34 GMT

for the first time in a long time I am drunk, well at least tipsey, no more like drunk....... there is a screaming in my head and my heart, I go to great lengths to drown it out, all the time thinking all the time doing all the time listening to stories, the telivission, my books, anything I can to take myself out of my self

it is a scream that laments lost friends lost family lost opertunity.... I have been plaged this early morning with what ifs.....what if I had seen love sooner, what if I had payed more attention in the old days the way olden days back at 434, I often wonder if I missed then what I crave now

but I probably should not even write this down for people to see, as I was once so fond of saying some things are better unwritten and better unsaid.

Damn I am becoming a drama queen

as I sit here for I have lost track of how long i beguin to think I should not post this, but I made a promis to myself long ago when I started this journal that I would never erase what was written for that is to deny the moment, the present the very reason I created this travesty to have somewhere to put the thoughts that can not stay in my head for they might drive me mad, some where to put the lost hopes and dreams, somw where to spew forth the thoughts of my life the sorrow the trimph the joy the hate, the regret, and OH YES I do regret though that is one thing that I know is more dangerous than any other I try to live without regret but I am far from perfect and God knows that is an understatement if ever there was one.

I hate being alone, but I have yet to find the person who has the means motive and opertunity to stay with me, and I have yet to meet a person that I have means motive and opertunity to stay with.

Dreams with in dreams founded on wishes that are no more than the wings of sheep, or the legs of fish,

life is but a player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more
a tle told by an Idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing and yet I continue to creep on through tommorow and tommorow and tommorow to stuborn to go gently into that good night, or is it just afrade, afrade of everything, do I shut my self away in my little world of stories and characters beacuse they are safer than people, do I run from attachment beacuse I know it hurts is it my own doing that I am right now at this moment so alone and disconnected from those I lve and those that I could love DOES it even matter why it has happened if all I need do is make a choice to change things

am I a masochists who seeks out pain, is this destiny or just chance or am i just as crazy and stupid that I hit my thumb with the perverbal hammer and say that hurts, only to do it again a few moments later, and still be supprised at the pain, am i expecting differnt results from the same action

and i take no comfort in the pain and isolation of my pittiful meaningless existance that alberqueque exists

food has lost is flavor and the wine is no longer sweet I stare in self loathing into the mirror one moment only to be overtaken by a narcissistic pride the next

Hate love Love hate always spinning always moveing changing I have no handel anymore and I think that the only handel I ever had was one made of pure fancy less than smoke and mirrors

I question not reality for who can answer that question, i question myself and find that the only one who can know the answeres not only does not knowthme but does not give a fuck if they are ever found

there is a war in my mind and soul it was once simply between doing what I wanted and doing what was right........... now I have trouble seeing the difference but I fight on fighting me

sweet sweet oblivion of sleep, of a rest with out the dreams of uending war, the pine and suffering, the constant struggle that leaves me more exhausted after a nights sleep than when I went to bed

I scream for help, only to find that there is no I to scream

I wish I were stupid, I wish I were smarter I wish so manything things and teh grass is always greener over there and wisdom always looks bigger the further away it is

should I be afrade that facts no longer make sence but a contradiction illuminate my world

and Schmendrick that poor backwards magician who power had to work in its own way, that he was curse with immortality untill he coudl figure it out, but no I have no such curse or gift and I know that long before I know what i need to do, the time will have past long before I come to any power I will have died of old age,

I hurt from head to toe, from soul to spirit the physical the mental the emotional all of it hurts, but out of momentum or pigheadedness I continue

Every moment I have the choice of taking the next breath or giving up, and never will I b able to give up, ther eis no rest for the wicked the weary or even the angelic but no one knows what it is all for and the most cynical part of me says it would not matter even if I did know

EXISTENTIAL CRISESES SUCK

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 22:07:06 GMT

life looks a little better this side of two term papers the second of which I e-mail in about half an hour ago.

i was happily surprised by the force of the comments i received on entry before last.....I guess my current myopic state made me forget that not everyone has become as flaky about keeping up with journals as I have. And lets face it I am about as flaky as they come, who can still remember their password after a few tries.

So after babling on in my own mind for a good long time, and having a stiff drink or two, in the break between papers, I decided to approach my existential crisis, in the only way I know how, through a full rhetorical analysis.

There is a catch, to do this i need to articulate exactly what my position is on the subject. after reasling this, and getting ready to beguin the process I remembered that I had a minimum 12 page final draft of the methds analysis and conclusion sections of my final paper, due today.

So I still have not sat down to wrestle through my issues with my life and the course it and I are on. I am at the moment flummoxed, completely flummoxed on what it is I actuly believe about my future, and the question it self is an odd one for me in many way.

I have not been able to deal with time in incrimens of more than a couple of weeks without major issues, since Helen was killed. Now I find that I am able to look at the bigger picture without comming appart at the seams and I find that I have little or no talent for longterm planning, and I feel so at a disadvantage, The Big questions of my future are looming like never before, and somehow I have fewer answeres than ever before. it is a strange and very frightening feeling.

Add to this my usualy manic depressive approach to my lonelyness and the fact that I live alone, and no longer bounce ideas off of people in conversation like I have gotten used to for so long. In many ways this isolation which is at least in part self imposed reminds me of the times when I had no friends, and could talk to no one. (Early Middle school, for a reference point)

Things are wat they are, and right now they feel odd, out of place, as if some how my mind sole and body are all functioning on a different wavelength and can not seam to get a unified front to work with.

School is working I have a deep urge to quote Lincoln's House Divided Speech.

well I best get my self some food before class

until the next time this flake decides to let you my friends into the dark corner of the univers that is my mind

Signed
Schmendrick

And as always questions comments and advice are always welcomed.

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 08:31:04 GMT

Well it is interesting the way the universe works. All I can say is that my last entry has triggered in my own mind something akin to an existential crisis, only with the sci-fi twist, of havening just enough of the pieces to be able to pull an answer out of my ass, if I think about it and do not go back into the hibernateive stupor I have been in since Ben dumped me, or was it going on even before that, well that is a question that will be answered in its own time. the up shot is, I have a hell of a lot more thinking to do about my place in the universe, and what that means for what I need to be DOING, Not DOING, Thinking or Not Thinking etc. Wish me luck

Signed
Schmendrick

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:40:36 GMT

So I am back again after 29 weeks of forgetful silence. It has been eventful in its own special way, but for most of you would be so boring as to be criminal. But in a way that is my life, and I am ok with that, just so long as I find it intersting.

but the reason i am writing an entry is that I just spent about 30 minuets makeing the argument that I no longer have faith in the ideas of True Love, with my friend Ian (houston) What is even more intersting is that when he did not argue with me about it and try to convince me otherwise, I was not angry, or disoppointed as I would have been if this conversation had happened even a few months ago. I was relieved that I did not have to listen to another speech telling me that i am a special and wonderful person who will eventuly find that special someone.

I am tired, and I just do not have the motivation to continue hopeing that there is someone outthere who is my mate, or my lover that I will find one day.

I am lonely, and I think my best bet in life is not to continue hopeing that I will find my Lover, but to just accept that I will be lonely.

yet there is a part of me that still rebels against this idea, but more and more it reminds me of that part of my mind that tells me that homosexuality is a sin, that I will burn for, tiny quite, and only ever repeting what it has been told to repete.

Part of my says this is a cry for help and reassurence that I am a special person who will find Love, but the much lerger part of me says to get over it, and just find someone anyone who is willing to have sex with me, and leave it at that, never asking more than they are willing to give. It is safer, and easier, and make far more sence.

Then again it might just be that I am blowing smoke and playing games with my self.

God I sound like an emo, all I need to say next is I am off to go cut my self, and the picture would be complete.

I am pathetic sometimes.

Well enough philosophical questions for now, I have a term paper to prepair, and i have a life to go live, so stop the mental masturbation, and get on with life. Beacuse only life can prove me right, and only life can prove me wrong.

Any one care to place odds on which it will be?

I wonder if anyone even reads this anymore??? (this is a serious question, not just depressive rambling)

Anyway
Questions comments and Advice are welcome
Signed
Schmendrick

Bad night

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 04:34:05 GMT

I am having a particularly bad night to night. I know not why, but the "voice" in my head will not shut up and give me peace, I am almost tempted to get not sober, in a big way. Thank god, I do not have anythign in the quantity necessar to be able to do that.

now that statement sound horrible, I know, in fact there are lots of problem with that statment. However, it is the best way I know how to say what is going on. SO DO NOT FREAK

to explane I will define terms

Voices- that part of your mind that is involved in a constant commentary on the rest. When you make a comment it is the one that comes up with a snide remark. when you make a promis it is the one who says, that it is impossible for you to follow through, or tells you that your motives are as cheep as any new Orleans prostitute you care to think of. in other words, we all have it and learn to controle it, mine to night is being a bastard and a half

Not sober- this is a state in which the mind is no longer capble of running mulitple thoughts at one time, making a one track mind. I want this so that I will be able to sleep and then get up and do work tommorow. (Yes I am awayre of the catch 22 in all of that)

necessary quantity- well at this moment I have maybe 2 shots of wisky, and 3 of Gin in the house, and am completely out of anything else that might aid the situation in an intelegent manor (so I am not iincluding some stuff put by for medical emergencies)

just sitting and writing out what is in my head has helped out immensly, and I will probably be able to get some sleep in the near future now, and NO ONE tell me I should have called, I should not this little snit is just that, and me causing drama would never help, ALSO if I called anyone I would not have talked about this, beacuse I do not talk about this shit over the phone if there is any other way, to easy to get wrong impressions, and I might get intrupted, which might make me do REALLLY STUPID things

what I said I was in a snit that could create huge amounts of drama

SHIT

you know what this reminds me of, what it was like to sit in meditation when I first started out, every part of my body would beguin to ich, and then it would creep into my brian, and my brain would ich, not just as if I needed to do or say something, but also like I needed to open my dman skull and scratch the damn thing.

Mind you once I got past this part of meditation, or infact, when I sit now, I still get it more than half of the time.

anyway once I am past all of that, things are so much better, so much more able to live, and to just deal with life.

So all of this is just really long term kind of meditation, and well that suits me just fine even if some nights I want to run screaming out of my appartment wearing nothing, and caring a huge knife. I would never hurt anyone excpet may be me by accident I do have that kind of luck, but at least it would be a kind of realse of tenshion internaly

Oh well enough of my tirade of babbeling

good nite

oh and anyone who sends a sympathy comment is getting a phone call where I bitch them out for it understand (Yes that is completely illogical, but FUCK it that is how I feel right now, so there *stickes out toung*)

3 am I am wide awake

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 08:29:11 GMT

for anyone who can remember where those lyrics come from, well congratulation. I just finished watching the movie where that is the theme song.

on a different but related not, I found gay television today, and for those of you with out cabel, it is not Bravo, that is for straight people who want to think they are ok with gays. No gay television is a network called LOGO. I had never heard of it before now, but I have been saidly glued to their programming, and to the movies that they play.

I have been getting in tough with lots of different parts of my psyche lately. It has in its own way been quite an ordeal. I know it was coming, no one as extroverted as I am, who still has my shyness issues, is going to be ok when moving to a new city, and living alone.

it is made worse by the fact that I am so recently single again. I think I am dealing with getting dumped very well, now mind you getting dumped on good terms is far from getting dumped on bad terms, thank God that has not happened to me. I need to be in a full support system when that does happen, or OH SHIT, I might need a full blown intervention to get my life back. but that is not here or there because it has not happened, and probably will not happen either, I mean I have people who I can call at any hour of the day in like 5 states, well hold on I think it is only 4 but Texas should count as two as far away as some people are.

I am feeling odly lonely. not killer heart ache lonely, or I need to talk to someone lonely. It is more like I have a cut some where, that I can not find that is bleeding, constantly, a very slow rate, not enough to kill me just enough to make me lethargic, and edgy.

something is not yet right with me. I have been looking preaty hard these last few days, more like two weeks, and I have made progress, I am not angry any more, I do not think of begging him to come back any more. I still miss the sex. OH MY GOD, it was good. Now mind you, I have not had any prior experiences to speak of, my first time, was just about losing it, not about pleasure, it was not a sex of passion, it was mechanical, it was a fucking pure and simple. But Ben and I well, there was feeling there, and lots of attraction, and shit, the only thing I can really call it to describe it was love making. mind you not every second of it was like that, it was very primal very animal at times about need, and lust, but, there was something there.

For that, for teaching me that sex could actuly be enjoyable, that it was not just a fantiasy that I had built around it. In a way it was the final affirmation that I was gay. I was sober, I chose to enter into it with a clear head, I had more than one experence. I got to be with a man. oh how I miss it.

In a strange way I find that I miss the relationship, as in the fact that I had one, with a great guy, I miss that almost more than I miss Ben. He was a great guy, but I know so little about the inner him. Mind you I was working on it and in fact still am (ask me about that again here in a month or two) I miss knowing that someone is there who will hug me with complete abandon, who will kiss me with passion and fire, who will....................

The list goes on and on, but it is the connection that I morn most of all, not the lose of him, beaucse in face I can keep him, just not the relationship, which sucks giant monkey goats (I know I have defined them before go find it if you are curious)

well it is now 3:30 am and I should get some kind of sleep tonight, I have much work to do for tommorow and the days to come.

I love you all, and I miss you all may the next time we meet be not to long delayed

signed
Schmendrick

questions comments and advice are welcome

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 05:26:49 GMT

Well it has been two weeks sence my last entry. I am actualy supprised that it has taken this long for me to come back to the computer. I had forgoten why I created this thing. It was to get the words of my though out of my head so I could have peace.

It has been a long hard journy for me, sence I started this thing at Ed's sugestion, and have used it ever sence to write what I was reallythinking, and not what I necessarly had to say for the sake or relationships, or anything else, for that reason, this place is still a secret from a hell of a lot of people. But also, as I have reduced drama, and devoloped other supports, of the friends I have, that need slowly dwindled. Yet now I am currently alone again, no one to talk to really, at least not yet. so I find that I have to talk to someone, and I find that I am not very good company all the time.
(Question how do all of you put up with my, and I am serious how on earth do you deal with me)

Well all of that to say this, my journal is now in existance, beacuse I have no one that I can verbalize all of this shit to anymore. SO, I will write it down, and if anyone out there cares to read it then have fun, and welcome to a small sample of My stream of conscienceness

SO I was watching Dune, the SCI FI mini series, I got it this weekend. and I realised that if I am not careful, I could become just like the barron Harkonnen. Now I am not saying that I will be the all powerful dictator of an entire planet devoted to heavy industrial production, or that I will have that kind of power in any way. What I am saying, is that I could theoriticaly devote my entire life to the destruction of one apponent, and do it as ruthlessly, and viciously, and with as much dedication as he. In other words I could be a Monster.

This scares me sometimes, but what scares me more is that, sometimes I am not scared of it at all. Now what gives me hope is that, I have people around me who, could be much worse monsters, if they ever wanted to be, so I have them to keep me in check.

So I had a long talk with Ben, when I went to new orleans. I had my plans all laied out for two general situations. The first was, a play to the worst kind of sentimental drivel, and involved a plea to my questionable abilities at seduction. This needless to say could have work to get me a boyfriend, and a good lay that weekend, but alas the situation turned out to be the other.

I got the necessary information from Ben with direct, blunt, and only slightly showing on the guilt trip scale. There were two categories of questions what I want to know, and what I need to know. He was informed that all those in the former he did not have to answer if he did not want to. The other category I was getting answerers to if it took all night.

The question that I needed to know was
"what are the boundried now" His answer was I have no idea, I have never done this before, we will have to find them as we go. I was not thrilled but had expected nothing much more informative than that. I had not been able to answer that question my self, not least of which because I still wanted to be dating. However, it is being worked out and that is all I could really ask for.

The next category had 3 questions

Why did you not talk to me sooner
why did you choose this as the solution
There was a third, but it is gone now, I burned the question paper after the conversation. I have been odly cermonial about somethings of late, I am not sure what to think about that yet. Humm I will have to get back to that one.

Well the answeres that I recieved from Ben, were satisfactory. all of them his busniess and none of mine. I will say however, that what killed it, was the distance. If we were still in the same city, this would never have happend, this way.

I will say that it might have happened 3 months later, and because the relationship was too physical, or it might have ended beacuse he cheated, or that I meet someone else. But all of those what ifs are completely useless, it has eneded, and while I am not ok with it, I am accepting of it, beacuse I have no choice in the matter. So I will see if I can make it work as a friendship I truly hope I can. I need gay friends, or I am going to lose it.

Oh well that is all for now

untill later friends who bother to read this tosh

Questions comment and advice are welcome

signed
Schmendrick

the prodigal son returns

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 20:30:13 GMT

Well it has been forever and a day sense my last entry, I have been gone doing many things, I have lived for almost a year with out the need of writing stuff down here in the journal, I have done it by talking, to all the people around me with as much honesty as I can muster, and not letting drama get into my life, like I once used to. Play everything above board, and hope that it works.

Well even the best of stradiges can not work forever, and espicaly when one is dating.

So let me give you all a fill in on what has been happening.

slightly more than 3 months ago, I began to date a wonderful, guy named Ben. when we atarted dating I had already been accepted to my current grad program. I am now starting that program, and have just been, dumped, or to be more specific, I got the "lets be friends" phone call 5 days after moving.

now let us also factor in that I had asked him several times, if he even wanted to do the long distance thing, and every time got the yes answer. also factor in that I was going to be taking him to New Orleans with me coming weekend, and now, his attendance is much in doubt, but I did ask him to come anyway, we shall see.

I will say for my part, I had been very worried about this happening, although even with that I somehow did not think that it would in the end happen. I was too happy, to much in the relationship to know that it was coming although I thought that there was a chance that it would happen. but all of that is merely mental masturbation at this point.

What is going on inside my head is very stereotypical and I am sad to say not that interesting. I have one all important question, what changed in those 5 days that made the relationship no longer worth having. I can see many different answers, however, they do not seam to fit, unless I grant one fact that I am not willing to grant, that Ben was lieing about being ok with me being 3 hours away.

well in complete honesty, it might have been that he expected that he would be, and is not in fact ok with it, so he did what is right and I understand that

also to complicate matters, our relationship, was physical from the start, and that I think was a mistake, our time alone, always ended up in sex, and almost never in conversation to get to know one another. This was in part my fault, though I will not claim it all, he was just as ready for it as I was.

what I feel underneath all of my mental gymnastics, and petty anger, selfish self centered "depression" is what I have always felt, and what has made me the person I am today, the enduring loneliness of being alone.

However, I know now in a way that I never had before that this is not permanent, that somewhere out there, at leas one other person finds that I am attractive, and wanted me, and for all I know my still want me, just not at this cost.

If one exists, then I know others do was well, I am alone right now, but not the same way I used to be, believing in my heart that alone was all I ever could be.

Ben i thank you for that, I truly do. this however will not let him off the hook for an inperson conversation that I will have with him in the near future, because Damn it, if he says just friends, I want to know what the hell that means, because lets face it, I do not have enough gay friends to let one vanish from my life, because he told me that he did not want to date, and have sex anymore. that would be stupid in ways even I am afrade to have.

HOWEVER, just because he is valuable to me, does not mean that I will pay any price to keep him, this change will be a compromise, or it will be a clean break.

I truly hope that compromise will work, I do deep in my heart, hope so.

AS always questions comments and advice are welcome

Signed
Schmendrick

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 06:11:04 GMT

So many of those people around me are getting married, talking about moving out of the "College Life" and going into the fucking real world.

I HATE this, for many reason not least of which is that they are doing it in pairs. I sit here alone, in my parents house, haveing date only one man in my life, haveing only had sex as a one night stand, and looking at a life with what is appently very few prospects. one of my best friends, is in the space of a few months going from a party man, one who would smoke drink, and have a hell of a time, at the least provocation, to a person who beacuse of a girl he is calling the one, has stoped smoking, and nearly stoped drinking, and is probably not going to go to a party beacuse there will be smoking there.

I miss New Orleans. There I was part of a group that chose to never leave the party life behind, a group of peopel who looked at life in a very specific way that said screw expectations of society, I am going to do things my way, the way I want to, and I am going to make it work. but now I am here, and eveyone around me is conforming, and those that are not, are creating a a hellish amount of drama, and head aches, that are truly immature.

I cring and want to cry. All of it becomes even harder, beacuse I am gay, how I wish I were not, DEAR god how I wish my life could be what I want. Dear GOD I so wish, I mean so wish I were in New Orleans. *sigh*

all I do any more in this journal is bitch.

FUCK it

attraction, sex and expetations

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 04:31:20 GMT

I have of late been spending a great deal of time in my own mind, more than normal, sence I ended my Zen class, and there has been lots bubbling up,

i have been wrestling with the little questions of the self, like who am I, what do I want, what shoudl I do, how am I going to deal, and who si this damned I person anyway. of course beacuse life is the way that it is, all rwisred stories that never come out quite like you think they should, but they do tend to come out, in the end (yes pun intended) Any way as I was saying beacuse of life, things thatare out side have complicated matters greatly in my own mind. The things that I associate with me have been changing. my self controle, I know is better than it was, but I beguin to feel that it will never live up to my own exectations of what it should be. but that is part of life, being able to look your self in the eye, and see how truely human you are, and uderstand about all the messy parts that you really fo not like, and undertsyanfing that what you hate most in others, is really what you hate most in the mirror, and accepting that is who you are at the moment, and knowing that it does not have to be that way the next moment.

I have becom assoicated with, involved is to strong a word for it, with a man, named Paul, who is in effect my dream man, he is tall redhaired, an excelent dancer, very intelegent, loves a good argument, and is by the way, a fundamentalist christan, who is stright. I would bitch and moan about my luck, but sometimes you really do not want what you wish for, and getting it makes you misserable. At least this time, I was able to see what my wish would create, at least in shadow. Well I have severly limited contact with him, beacuse while I tend to listen and take to heart in my own twisted way what people say to me, and he is very persuasive, he apprently does notand I can not afford to have him in my head when I am so attrackted to him especialy with other factors.

Other factors, I have been struggling with how to express this sence it happened, over laborday weekend. I think I will go with my old stand by, be deadly blunt, and then explain the finer points later. I got fucked over laborday, I mean that litteraly, I lost my verginity. It was not what I hoped it would be, not to any streach of the immagaination. In fact, it was the exact oposite of what I had always hoped it would go. I always immagained it would be with a person I loved, when we were in a long term relationship. I had always immagained they would be my age or younger, i had always immagained someone who was rather willowy, I had always though I was a top. Well the fact that it was a one night stand, with an older man, who was a bear, who I will never see or speek to again, (porbably, not by design, just beacuse I do not think I will)

loseing my verginity was in some ways like loseing a friend, there was the sharp pain when it happened, then a strange period that I am still in learning what they means for my, what all that I took for granted inside my own head was tied to, and depended on that fact for continued existance. I think over all it was good to finaly lose it, and just be done with it, so I could move on, but I wish in some ways that I had not. but, what is done is done, and well I can not take it back, nor do I really want to,

life is strange, and truely more complex than even I can make it, I miss my friends, all of them, everywhere.

oh well, untill next time

Questions commentes, and advicer are welcome

Signed
Akhenaton

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 01:18:10 GMT

Well I am back in Houston at least for a while, probably a year. I have started work on graduate schools, and am already hopeful that I will be able to get into a school in a palce I want to be.

Well I have a purpose for this entry oher than just writuing what is on my mind. I have an important request, and I would like all of you who read my journal or even have just read this entry, to answer this question.

What books do you recomend I read, or what authors do you recomend??

to give an idea of why I am sking, I am currently readin Jim butcher novels, fantisy, The manturican candidate, a book, writen about MaCarthyism, with lots of twists, Socrates, Nitchez, the hibitual Tolkin, and Robert Jordan's Wheel of time series. This will probably keep me for a ntoher couple of weeks, at the reate I am currently reading. So really what I want is a list of books, everythign from text books, to childrens books that you think I might enjoy.

So please comment with your sugestions, and I will dive in.

Signed
Schmendrick

Questions comments and advice welcome (espicaly literary)

Circadian Syncopation

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 09:30:02 GMT

It is about 4:15 in the morning, and I am just getting to bed.
I have finished more books in the last fer days that I have in almost a year before now, and I mean traditional reading, if you count audio books, I read more than almost anyone I know and that is saying something.

I have come to relize that me liviing alone is a very bad idea, I can not concentrate, I end up reading, running to other worlds where there are people, I need peopel even if they are not talking to me, some times I need quite, but I need people much much more. I have been living alone for about 2 weeks now, and am slowly going crasy, hency my complete lack of anyhting romotely like a normal sleeping shcedual.

I have been trying to prepaire my self for going bakc to houseon, and that has involved reading lots of books, fiction, philosophy, and self help, oh and also badly writeen gay errotica. the last was a mistek, I read a story that has been trying to eat my psychy, it was about an alien abduction. The main charcter is reptely raped, and used in the end, is givne the choice to endure that for the rest of his life, or die. he chooses to live, and everything that goes with it. I got hooked inot the story and had to find out about what happened to the main character not beacuse I really cared about the chaacter, but beause I had to see how the auother got him out of the horrible situation. Well he did not, it has distrubed me, beacuse it has me me question if I have the conviction to do what I believe to be right, no matter how hard it is. This has been a theme in most of the books I have been reading for years now, From Tolkien, to Jim Butcher, to Terry Pratchett. They all have that in common that people do the right thing. To read a story where a person choses teh easy path, and that is the end, it distrubs me. This on top of the fact that I am readin books on rhetoric, verbal selfdefense, and philosphy of language.
To sum up all of that, I will use a quote
"Language is a rality virus" or my slightly different correllary "Language is a reality Retor Virus" Language is used to define out reality, our preceptions, so when some one writes a story, they are essentialy trying to bend reality to what they think it is, every writing on some leve does that, even mine, Especialy mine.

So it upsets m greatly that someone out there is willing to try and bend reality so that eople give up and take the easy path I am sad, and troubled. More than that, I do not know if I am willing to live up to my own expetations.

Well all of ths does not help me get a rythm back into my life, but it might help me sleep, untill next time my friends,

Signed
Schmendrick

P.S. Questions comments and advice are welcome.

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Thu, 25 May 2006 04:06:49 GMT

SO I am in a politicla science class at the moment and loving it, the prfo is great i learn lots, and have been actuly motivated to do independent reasearhc for the first time in living memory. While reasearchign one of the aspects British government a litle while ago a ran accross what they call royal commissions, these are like special congressional investigations into specific topics, only more about the facts, and less about politics. Well I ran into the history of one of their commission that was conviend in 1954, and gave a report titles in trure british fassion
"Report of the Departmental Committee on Homosexual Offences and Prostitution"

This was published in 1957, and sugest a more progressive legal approach to homosexuality than was in the united states untill the US spuream court overruled soddomy laws. Mind you the report was not followed untill 1967. Further more, the laws were not made entirly equal for strights and gays untill 2000. However the fact that this issues was being worked out in government at this level, I mean the national level, where policys of true equality, and decriminilization were considered seriously more than 40 years before we got the same tyep fo effect in the US, makes me sad, and sick at heart.

Mind you, the Brits aere always very slow to change anythign so it is good that they got a head start, but I still think, the fact that they have civil unions as of 2004, makes me sick, out of envy. We the more progressive and liberal of the two nations at our inception are starting to fall be hind. Look at it this way, we were far more advance in individual rights of our citizens from teh radification of the bill of rights. Then both the US, and the UK gave women the right to vote in 1919. Now less than 100 years later, they are social much more progessive about the individual rights of their citizen (well technicaly subjects, but that is semantics) than the US is. I am almost disoppionted that we won our war for independence, I mean sheish, they are british, they are supposed to be much more conservative socialy than us, and look at them. *Sigh*

Oh well, at least I can ccontent my self with the knoldge that no matter what happens, the arc of history, for western european culture has been for a steadly more freedom of the individual, so even if I do not live to see it, there will come a day, when gay and strights have all the same rights, and are both legaly, and in practis equal. It will happen, I know this in my heart, I just hope I live to see at least a few more major steps in that direction, and if I am really luck, get to take part in one or two.

Oh well enough political rambling, I have a test tommorow at 8 am.

Signed
Schmendrick

P.S. Questions comments and advice are welcome

untill later

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Sat, 20 May 2006 06:13:26 GMT

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master
On paper, most gay guys would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with boys. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Billy Goat

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

Take this test!
The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

akhenaton919@yahoo.com — Sat, 20 May 2006 05:30:54 GMT

Well it is now May the 20th 2006, my sister was killed by a drunk driver 5 years ago yesterday, at 2 am. That moment was for me and my life like Katrina was to New Orleans. Every even in my personal history is dated either before or after this event.

I more geeky example is that it is a black hole of an even, it bends the very fabric of reality around it.

Well now that that is off my mind, the May 19th Party just ended a littl while ago, noe everyone I envited made it, and it ended earlier than I thought it would, but, it was great, and there was great food, and good friends Vally Jo and her Fiance Andy came. I got to be sourrounded by my friends my reasons for being alive. (mind you not my only reasons, but they are my reason for being alive)

We sat and told stories, joked, laughed ate, and talked. I got the Hugs I did not even know I needed. I miss so manty people so much, all of them lost. Helen, Asim, Uncle Jim, Old Man, David, Mike, Mamacita.....there are more, but that list is long enough for the moment.

I think it is easier for me at time to devote my life, to the preservation of their memories, telling the stories, being their spokes person, in a way being a speeker for the dead, telling their stories that they may not be forgotten, and that I might in turn be remembered, that I will have stories about me told to people. I want to be a legend, not know to a whole people for all time, but to my friends for the rest of their lives, I want my love of them and theirs of me, to make this world of our a little more berable.

I love making people laugh, not being the life of the party, but being a part of it. I need to know two things about my friends. 1st that they will miss me when I am gone, and Second, and much more imporatnt to me, that the party will go on, long after I am gone. OH and I hope, that no matter how sad people are that I am gone, they will still tell my stories, and laugh, and may be just may be, raise a glass, and toast that crazy, fuckedup, wee gay Drunken Lepracuan.

For those who might jump to a conclushion, no I am not at all looking to go quitely into that good night, not at all, I intened to make many many more stories, before I go anywhere, but May 19th is about endings and abour begunnings, about life about death, about the truly bitter sweet of happy memories of Helen, and more generaly all those I love who are dead and will never come back.

*HUGS*
Thank you all for being here, for me through all this time, all my shit, and greif, and just damnd bitching. thank you

Signed
Schmendrick

P.S. Questions somments and advice welcome