Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2009-09-22 02:24:00 |
|
It is very obvious to anyone who has known me for any length of time that I am by nature a pompus person, well to be honest I am a pompus overeducated pain in the ass, but in a good way.
I have for a long time been more than a little bit crazy, never truly insane, but not necessarly all there either. I have many time when looking hard at my life, the world around me, and most dangerous into my own soul, that I might just lose my grip and go flying off into comforting unreality so thick I would never emerge, It is a tempting dream, but I no longer fear it as I used to, I might fear it again some day, but today, I fear losing what scienfiction would call my humanity, what religon would call my soul, and fantasy would pick something nearly unpronouncable.
It is gettign easier and easier to be casualy cruel, I take more and more delight in the suffering of others that I see. MY instictinct for compassion is feeble at best, I find I do not care anymore, and that it is freeing, that all the power I ever wanted to seek vengence, to change minds and lives and generaly fuck up the social and mental life of anyone and everyone in my path, with a few exceptiosn of people I know full well are just smarter than me. I will say this, that is a smaller number than I have lead anyone to believe it is. I sit alone in my appartment, having finished one segement of work, and considereing the next, and vissions of the kinds of problems I could cause dance through my mind, I destroy entire families, leave people so scared that they may recover but will always have that limp, all of this is metaphorical of course, the dammage would be emotional, and if I played my cards right I could even get some of them to thank me for Train fucking their lives.
It has always been a fear of mine that I would lose it one day, and put my mind to terrible things, but many many things stopped me and prevented it from happening. Of those things I have overcome most of them, out grown others, out smarted some, a few I can simply avoid and the rest have died.
I fear the part of me that wishes not to care, and who might just win
I have for a long time been more than a little bit crazy, never truly insane, but not necessarly all there either. I have many time when looking hard at my life, the world around me, and most dangerous into my own soul, that I might just lose my grip and go flying off into comforting unreality so thick I would never emerge, It is a tempting dream, but I no longer fear it as I used to, I might fear it again some day, but today, I fear losing what scienfiction would call my humanity, what religon would call my soul, and fantasy would pick something nearly unpronouncable.
It is gettign easier and easier to be casualy cruel, I take more and more delight in the suffering of others that I see. MY instictinct for compassion is feeble at best, I find I do not care anymore, and that it is freeing, that all the power I ever wanted to seek vengence, to change minds and lives and generaly fuck up the social and mental life of anyone and everyone in my path, with a few exceptiosn of people I know full well are just smarter than me. I will say this, that is a smaller number than I have lead anyone to believe it is. I sit alone in my appartment, having finished one segement of work, and considereing the next, and vissions of the kinds of problems I could cause dance through my mind, I destroy entire families, leave people so scared that they may recover but will always have that limp, all of this is metaphorical of course, the dammage would be emotional, and if I played my cards right I could even get some of them to thank me for Train fucking their lives.
It has always been a fear of mine that I would lose it one day, and put my mind to terrible things, but many many things stopped me and prevented it from happening. Of those things I have overcome most of them, out grown others, out smarted some, a few I can simply avoid and the rest have died.
I fear the part of me that wishes not to care, and who might just win
