Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2009-06-22 11:51:00 |
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Aaron Part 3
The title comes form a converation I had with a good Friend of my mothers. and here is the back story
On Saterday June 13th my mother, had an accidnt, she fell and recieved a sever head trauma. She was prounced brain dead later that day. Her offical day of death is June the 15th, beacuse that is when they harvested her organs for donation. Just as the death of my sister Helen promted a radical change in who and what i was, so I know will this death. And as Helen's death prompted the creation of my livejournal in the first place as a way to express what I was not able to say out loud, though I never thought of it that way at the time. I again beguin the journal anew.
I am broken, but as with all truly intense injuries there is a delay before the full pain ever hits. I am more than a week in and the pain has not yet truly hit me, I am scared, and frustrated, at least when Helen dies I had someone to blame, and to forgive. I had a target for all of the hatred and anger and bile that rose up at the idea of having to live my life without her, but now that I have lost my Mem the one bridge I had to my father, the person who despite all of our arguments and firghts and secretes knew me better than anyone else is now gone, wiht out a wisper, with out a wimper, lost into mystery, and beliefe, for no proof exists or ever will in my lifetime, so I hope I pray and I believe that there is more, and maybe that is enough. and yet she is gone, and I am lessened, and the world is lessened and yet no one not even me has seamed to notice that things will never be the same, and never agian be as good.
And now if ever I have children, which would have made my mother so happy, I will only ever be able to tell them stories of their grandmother, and hope that that is enough, i will not have her there to help my lover understand and deal with my father, I will not have her to be my support and strength when I have to tell my father that I am gay, I am broken and diminshed, that broken family is now shattered into dust, and sacttered in the wind, yet I hope for a mirical of what kind and descrioption I do not know but I do hope for one
Well that is enough rambling for a start, and besides if i left you less confused than I am I would not be doing my job of making you understand me
The title comes form a converation I had with a good Friend of my mothers. and here is the back story
On Saterday June 13th my mother, had an accidnt, she fell and recieved a sever head trauma. She was prounced brain dead later that day. Her offical day of death is June the 15th, beacuse that is when they harvested her organs for donation. Just as the death of my sister Helen promted a radical change in who and what i was, so I know will this death. And as Helen's death prompted the creation of my livejournal in the first place as a way to express what I was not able to say out loud, though I never thought of it that way at the time. I again beguin the journal anew.
I am broken, but as with all truly intense injuries there is a delay before the full pain ever hits. I am more than a week in and the pain has not yet truly hit me, I am scared, and frustrated, at least when Helen dies I had someone to blame, and to forgive. I had a target for all of the hatred and anger and bile that rose up at the idea of having to live my life without her, but now that I have lost my Mem the one bridge I had to my father, the person who despite all of our arguments and firghts and secretes knew me better than anyone else is now gone, wiht out a wisper, with out a wimper, lost into mystery, and beliefe, for no proof exists or ever will in my lifetime, so I hope I pray and I believe that there is more, and maybe that is enough. and yet she is gone, and I am lessened, and the world is lessened and yet no one not even me has seamed to notice that things will never be the same, and never agian be as good.
And now if ever I have children, which would have made my mother so happy, I will only ever be able to tell them stories of their grandmother, and hope that that is enough, i will not have her there to help my lover understand and deal with my father, I will not have her to be my support and strength when I have to tell my father that I am gay, I am broken and diminshed, that broken family is now shattered into dust, and sacttered in the wind, yet I hope for a mirical of what kind and descrioption I do not know but I do hope for one
Well that is enough rambling for a start, and besides if i left you less confused than I am I would not be doing my job of making you understand me
