Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2008-04-11 00:28:00 |
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So I am back again after 29 weeks of forgetful silence. It has been eventful in its own special way, but for most of you would be so boring as to be criminal. But in a way that is my life, and I am ok with that, just so long as I find it intersting.
but the reason i am writing an entry is that I just spent about 30 minuets makeing the argument that I no longer have faith in the ideas of True Love, with my friend Ian (houston) What is even more intersting is that when he did not argue with me about it and try to convince me otherwise, I was not angry, or disoppointed as I would have been if this conversation had happened even a few months ago. I was relieved that I did not have to listen to another speech telling me that i am a special and wonderful person who will eventuly find that special someone.
I am tired, and I just do not have the motivation to continue hopeing that there is someone outthere who is my mate, or my lover that I will find one day.
I am lonely, and I think my best bet in life is not to continue hopeing that I will find my Lover, but to just accept that I will be lonely.
yet there is a part of me that still rebels against this idea, but more and more it reminds me of that part of my mind that tells me that homosexuality is a sin, that I will burn for, tiny quite, and only ever repeting what it has been told to repete.
Part of my says this is a cry for help and reassurence that I am a special person who will find Love, but the much lerger part of me says to get over it, and just find someone anyone who is willing to have sex with me, and leave it at that, never asking more than they are willing to give. It is safer, and easier, and make far more sence.
Then again it might just be that I am blowing smoke and playing games with my self.
God I sound like an emo, all I need to say next is I am off to go cut my self, and the picture would be complete.
I am pathetic sometimes.
Well enough philosophical questions for now, I have a term paper to prepair, and i have a life to go live, so stop the mental masturbation, and get on with life. Beacuse only life can prove me right, and only life can prove me wrong.
Any one care to place odds on which it will be?
I wonder if anyone even reads this anymore??? (this is a serious question, not just depressive rambling)
Anyway
Questions comments and Advice are welcome
Signed
Schmendrick
but the reason i am writing an entry is that I just spent about 30 minuets makeing the argument that I no longer have faith in the ideas of True Love, with my friend Ian (houston) What is even more intersting is that when he did not argue with me about it and try to convince me otherwise, I was not angry, or disoppointed as I would have been if this conversation had happened even a few months ago. I was relieved that I did not have to listen to another speech telling me that i am a special and wonderful person who will eventuly find that special someone.
I am tired, and I just do not have the motivation to continue hopeing that there is someone outthere who is my mate, or my lover that I will find one day.
I am lonely, and I think my best bet in life is not to continue hopeing that I will find my Lover, but to just accept that I will be lonely.
yet there is a part of me that still rebels against this idea, but more and more it reminds me of that part of my mind that tells me that homosexuality is a sin, that I will burn for, tiny quite, and only ever repeting what it has been told to repete.
Part of my says this is a cry for help and reassurence that I am a special person who will find Love, but the much lerger part of me says to get over it, and just find someone anyone who is willing to have sex with me, and leave it at that, never asking more than they are willing to give. It is safer, and easier, and make far more sence.
Then again it might just be that I am blowing smoke and playing games with my self.
God I sound like an emo, all I need to say next is I am off to go cut my self, and the picture would be complete.
I am pathetic sometimes.
Well enough philosophical questions for now, I have a term paper to prepair, and i have a life to go live, so stop the mental masturbation, and get on with life. Beacuse only life can prove me right, and only life can prove me wrong.
Any one care to place odds on which it will be?
I wonder if anyone even reads this anymore??? (this is a serious question, not just depressive rambling)
Anyway
Questions comments and Advice are welcome
Signed
Schmendrick
