Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2007-09-17 23:19:00 |
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Bad night
I am having a particularly bad night to night. I know not why, but the "voice" in my head will not shut up and give me peace, I am almost tempted to get not sober, in a big way. Thank god, I do not have anythign in the quantity necessar to be able to do that.
now that statement sound horrible, I know, in fact there are lots of problem with that statment. However, it is the best way I know how to say what is going on. SO DO NOT FREAK
to explane I will define terms
Voices- that part of your mind that is involved in a constant commentary on the rest. When you make a comment it is the one that comes up with a snide remark. when you make a promis it is the one who says, that it is impossible for you to follow through, or tells you that your motives are as cheep as any new Orleans prostitute you care to think of. in other words, we all have it and learn to controle it, mine to night is being a bastard and a half
Not sober- this is a state in which the mind is no longer capble of running mulitple thoughts at one time, making a one track mind. I want this so that I will be able to sleep and then get up and do work tommorow. (Yes I am awayre of the catch 22 in all of that)
necessary quantity- well at this moment I have maybe 2 shots of wisky, and 3 of Gin in the house, and am completely out of anything else that might aid the situation in an intelegent manor (so I am not iincluding some stuff put by for medical emergencies)
just sitting and writing out what is in my head has helped out immensly, and I will probably be able to get some sleep in the near future now, and NO ONE tell me I should have called, I should not this little snit is just that, and me causing drama would never help, ALSO if I called anyone I would not have talked about this, beacuse I do not talk about this shit over the phone if there is any other way, to easy to get wrong impressions, and I might get intrupted, which might make me do REALLLY STUPID things
what I said I was in a snit that could create huge amounts of drama
SHIT
you know what this reminds me of, what it was like to sit in meditation when I first started out, every part of my body would beguin to ich, and then it would creep into my brian, and my brain would ich, not just as if I needed to do or say something, but also like I needed to open my dman skull and scratch the damn thing.
Mind you once I got past this part of meditation, or infact, when I sit now, I still get it more than half of the time.
anyway once I am past all of that, things are so much better, so much more able to live, and to just deal with life.
So all of this is just really long term kind of meditation, and well that suits me just fine even if some nights I want to run screaming out of my appartment wearing nothing, and caring a huge knife. I would never hurt anyone excpet may be me by accident I do have that kind of luck, but at least it would be a kind of realse of tenshion internaly
Oh well enough of my tirade of babbeling
good nite
oh and anyone who sends a sympathy comment is getting a phone call where I bitch them out for it understand (Yes that is completely illogical, but FUCK it that is how I feel right now, so there *stickes out toung*)
I am having a particularly bad night to night. I know not why, but the "voice" in my head will not shut up and give me peace, I am almost tempted to get not sober, in a big way. Thank god, I do not have anythign in the quantity necessar to be able to do that.
now that statement sound horrible, I know, in fact there are lots of problem with that statment. However, it is the best way I know how to say what is going on. SO DO NOT FREAK
to explane I will define terms
Voices- that part of your mind that is involved in a constant commentary on the rest. When you make a comment it is the one that comes up with a snide remark. when you make a promis it is the one who says, that it is impossible for you to follow through, or tells you that your motives are as cheep as any new Orleans prostitute you care to think of. in other words, we all have it and learn to controle it, mine to night is being a bastard and a half
Not sober- this is a state in which the mind is no longer capble of running mulitple thoughts at one time, making a one track mind. I want this so that I will be able to sleep and then get up and do work tommorow. (Yes I am awayre of the catch 22 in all of that)
necessary quantity- well at this moment I have maybe 2 shots of wisky, and 3 of Gin in the house, and am completely out of anything else that might aid the situation in an intelegent manor (so I am not iincluding some stuff put by for medical emergencies)
just sitting and writing out what is in my head has helped out immensly, and I will probably be able to get some sleep in the near future now, and NO ONE tell me I should have called, I should not this little snit is just that, and me causing drama would never help, ALSO if I called anyone I would not have talked about this, beacuse I do not talk about this shit over the phone if there is any other way, to easy to get wrong impressions, and I might get intrupted, which might make me do REALLLY STUPID things
what I said I was in a snit that could create huge amounts of drama
SHIT
you know what this reminds me of, what it was like to sit in meditation when I first started out, every part of my body would beguin to ich, and then it would creep into my brian, and my brain would ich, not just as if I needed to do or say something, but also like I needed to open my dman skull and scratch the damn thing.
Mind you once I got past this part of meditation, or infact, when I sit now, I still get it more than half of the time.
anyway once I am past all of that, things are so much better, so much more able to live, and to just deal with life.
So all of this is just really long term kind of meditation, and well that suits me just fine even if some nights I want to run screaming out of my appartment wearing nothing, and caring a huge knife. I would never hurt anyone excpet may be me by accident I do have that kind of luck, but at least it would be a kind of realse of tenshion internaly
Oh well enough of my tirade of babbeling
good nite
oh and anyone who sends a sympathy comment is getting a phone call where I bitch them out for it understand (Yes that is completely illogical, but FUCK it that is how I feel right now, so there *stickes out toung*)
