Current mood:

melancholy

3 am I am wide awake
for anyone who can remember where those lyrics come from, well congratulation. I just finished watching the movie where that is the theme song.

on a different but related not, I found gay television today, and for those of you with out cabel, it is not Bravo, that is for straight people who want to think they are ok with gays. No gay television is a network called LOGO. I had never heard of it before now, but I have been saidly glued to their programming, and to the movies that they play.

I have been getting in tough with lots of different parts of my psyche lately. It has in its own way been quite an ordeal. I know it was coming, no one as extroverted as I am, who still has my shyness issues, is going to be ok when moving to a new city, and living alone.

it is made worse by the fact that I am so recently single again. I think I am dealing with getting dumped very well, now mind you getting dumped on good terms is far from getting dumped on bad terms, thank God that has not happened to me. I need to be in a full support system when that does happen, or OH SHIT, I might need a full blown intervention to get my life back. but that is not here or there because it has not happened, and probably will not happen either, I mean I have people who I can call at any hour of the day in like 5 states, well hold on I think it is only 4 but Texas should count as two as far away as some people are.


I am feeling odly lonely. not killer heart ache lonely, or I need to talk to someone lonely. It is more like I have a cut some where, that I can not find that is bleeding, constantly, a very slow rate, not enough to kill me just enough to make me lethargic, and edgy.

something is not yet right with me. I have been looking preaty hard these last few days, more like two weeks, and I have made progress, I am not angry any more, I do not think of begging him to come back any more. I still miss the sex. OH MY GOD, it was good. Now mind you, I have not had any prior experiences to speak of, my first time, was just about losing it, not about pleasure, it was not a sex of passion, it was mechanical, it was a fucking pure and simple. But Ben and I well, there was feeling there, and lots of attraction, and shit, the only thing I can really call it to describe it was love making. mind you not every second of it was like that, it was very primal very animal at times about need, and lust, but, there was something there.

For that, for teaching me that sex could actuly be enjoyable, that it was not just a fantiasy that I had built around it. In a way it was the final affirmation that I was gay. I was sober, I chose to enter into it with a clear head, I had more than one experence. I got to be with a man. oh how I miss it.

In a strange way I find that I miss the relationship, as in the fact that I had one, with a great guy, I miss that almost more than I miss Ben. He was a great guy, but I know so little about the inner him. Mind you I was working on it and in fact still am (ask me about that again here in a month or two) I miss knowing that someone is there who will hug me with complete abandon, who will kiss me with passion and fire, who will....................

The list goes on and on, but it is the connection that I morn most of all, not the lose of him, beaucse in face I can keep him, just not the relationship, which sucks giant monkey goats (I know I have defined them before go find it if you are curious)

well it is now 3:30 am and I should get some kind of sleep tonight, I have much work to do for tommorow and the days to come.

I love you all, and I miss you all may the next time we meet be not to long delayed

signed
Schmendrick

questions comments and advice are welcome