Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2007-09-11 00:06:00 |
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Well it has been two weeks sence my last entry. I am actualy supprised that it has taken this long for me to come back to the computer. I had forgoten why I created this thing. It was to get the words of my though out of my head so I could have peace.
It has been a long hard journy for me, sence I started this thing at Ed's sugestion, and have used it ever sence to write what I was reallythinking, and not what I necessarly had to say for the sake or relationships, or anything else, for that reason, this place is still a secret from a hell of a lot of people. But also, as I have reduced drama, and devoloped other supports, of the friends I have, that need slowly dwindled. Yet now I am currently alone again, no one to talk to really, at least not yet. so I find that I have to talk to someone, and I find that I am not very good company all the time.
(Question how do all of you put up with my, and I am serious how on earth do you deal with me)
Well all of that to say this, my journal is now in existance, beacuse I have no one that I can verbalize all of this shit to anymore. SO, I will write it down, and if anyone out there cares to read it then have fun, and welcome to a small sample of My stream of conscienceness
SO I was watching Dune, the SCI FI mini series, I got it this weekend. and I realised that if I am not careful, I could become just like the barron Harkonnen. Now I am not saying that I will be the all powerful dictator of an entire planet devoted to heavy industrial production, or that I will have that kind of power in any way. What I am saying, is that I could theoriticaly devote my entire life to the destruction of one apponent, and do it as ruthlessly, and viciously, and with as much dedication as he. In other words I could be a Monster.
This scares me sometimes, but what scares me more is that, sometimes I am not scared of it at all. Now what gives me hope is that, I have people around me who, could be much worse monsters, if they ever wanted to be, so I have them to keep me in check.
So I had a long talk with Ben, when I went to new orleans. I had my plans all laied out for two general situations. The first was, a play to the worst kind of sentimental drivel, and involved a plea to my questionable abilities at seduction. This needless to say could have work to get me a boyfriend, and a good lay that weekend, but alas the situation turned out to be the other.
I got the necessary information from Ben with direct, blunt, and only slightly showing on the guilt trip scale. There were two categories of questions what I want to know, and what I need to know. He was informed that all those in the former he did not have to answer if he did not want to. The other category I was getting answerers to if it took all night.
The question that I needed to know was
"what are the boundried now" His answer was I have no idea, I have never done this before, we will have to find them as we go. I was not thrilled but had expected nothing much more informative than that. I had not been able to answer that question my self, not least of which because I still wanted to be dating. However, it is being worked out and that is all I could really ask for.
The next category had 3 questions
Why did you not talk to me sooner
why did you choose this as the solution
There was a third, but it is gone now, I burned the question paper after the conversation. I have been odly cermonial about somethings of late, I am not sure what to think about that yet. Humm I will have to get back to that one.
Well the answeres that I recieved from Ben, were satisfactory. all of them his busniess and none of mine. I will say however, that what killed it, was the distance. If we were still in the same city, this would never have happend, this way.
I will say that it might have happened 3 months later, and because the relationship was too physical, or it might have ended beacuse he cheated, or that I meet someone else. But all of those what ifs are completely useless, it has eneded, and while I am not ok with it, I am accepting of it, beacuse I have no choice in the matter. So I will see if I can make it work as a friendship I truly hope I can. I need gay friends, or I am going to lose it.
Oh well that is all for now
untill later friends who bother to read this tosh
Questions comment and advice are welcome
signed
Schmendrick
It has been a long hard journy for me, sence I started this thing at Ed's sugestion, and have used it ever sence to write what I was reallythinking, and not what I necessarly had to say for the sake or relationships, or anything else, for that reason, this place is still a secret from a hell of a lot of people. But also, as I have reduced drama, and devoloped other supports, of the friends I have, that need slowly dwindled. Yet now I am currently alone again, no one to talk to really, at least not yet. so I find that I have to talk to someone, and I find that I am not very good company all the time.
(Question how do all of you put up with my, and I am serious how on earth do you deal with me)
Well all of that to say this, my journal is now in existance, beacuse I have no one that I can verbalize all of this shit to anymore. SO, I will write it down, and if anyone out there cares to read it then have fun, and welcome to a small sample of My stream of conscienceness
SO I was watching Dune, the SCI FI mini series, I got it this weekend. and I realised that if I am not careful, I could become just like the barron Harkonnen. Now I am not saying that I will be the all powerful dictator of an entire planet devoted to heavy industrial production, or that I will have that kind of power in any way. What I am saying, is that I could theoriticaly devote my entire life to the destruction of one apponent, and do it as ruthlessly, and viciously, and with as much dedication as he. In other words I could be a Monster.
This scares me sometimes, but what scares me more is that, sometimes I am not scared of it at all. Now what gives me hope is that, I have people around me who, could be much worse monsters, if they ever wanted to be, so I have them to keep me in check.
So I had a long talk with Ben, when I went to new orleans. I had my plans all laied out for two general situations. The first was, a play to the worst kind of sentimental drivel, and involved a plea to my questionable abilities at seduction. This needless to say could have work to get me a boyfriend, and a good lay that weekend, but alas the situation turned out to be the other.
I got the necessary information from Ben with direct, blunt, and only slightly showing on the guilt trip scale. There were two categories of questions what I want to know, and what I need to know. He was informed that all those in the former he did not have to answer if he did not want to. The other category I was getting answerers to if it took all night.
The question that I needed to know was
"what are the boundried now" His answer was I have no idea, I have never done this before, we will have to find them as we go. I was not thrilled but had expected nothing much more informative than that. I had not been able to answer that question my self, not least of which because I still wanted to be dating. However, it is being worked out and that is all I could really ask for.
The next category had 3 questions
Why did you not talk to me sooner
why did you choose this as the solution
There was a third, but it is gone now, I burned the question paper after the conversation. I have been odly cermonial about somethings of late, I am not sure what to think about that yet. Humm I will have to get back to that one.
Well the answeres that I recieved from Ben, were satisfactory. all of them his busniess and none of mine. I will say however, that what killed it, was the distance. If we were still in the same city, this would never have happend, this way.
I will say that it might have happened 3 months later, and because the relationship was too physical, or it might have ended beacuse he cheated, or that I meet someone else. But all of those what ifs are completely useless, it has eneded, and while I am not ok with it, I am accepting of it, beacuse I have no choice in the matter. So I will see if I can make it work as a friendship I truly hope I can. I need gay friends, or I am going to lose it.
Oh well that is all for now
untill later friends who bother to read this tosh
Questions comment and advice are welcome
signed
Schmendrick
