Current mood:

melancholy

the prodigal son returns
Well it has been forever and a day sense my last entry, I have been gone doing many things, I have lived for almost a year with out the need of writing stuff down here in the journal, I have done it by talking, to all the people around me with as much honesty as I can muster, and not letting drama get into my life, like I once used to. Play everything above board, and hope that it works.

Well even the best of stradiges can not work forever, and espicaly when one is dating.

So let me give you all a fill in on what has been happening.

slightly more than 3 months ago, I began to date a wonderful, guy named Ben. when we atarted dating I had already been accepted to my current grad program. I am now starting that program, and have just been, dumped, or to be more specific, I got the "lets be friends" phone call 5 days after moving.

now let us also factor in that I had asked him several times, if he even wanted to do the long distance thing, and every time got the yes answer. also factor in that I was going to be taking him to New Orleans with me coming weekend, and now, his attendance is much in doubt, but I did ask him to come anyway, we shall see.

I will say for my part, I had been very worried about this happening, although even with that I somehow did not think that it would in the end happen. I was too happy, to much in the relationship to know that it was coming although I thought that there was a chance that it would happen. but all of that is merely mental masturbation at this point.

What is going on inside my head is very stereotypical and I am sad to say not that interesting. I have one all important question, what changed in those 5 days that made the relationship no longer worth having. I can see many different answers, however, they do not seam to fit, unless I grant one fact that I am not willing to grant, that Ben was lieing about being ok with me being 3 hours away.

well in complete honesty, it might have been that he expected that he would be, and is not in fact ok with it, so he did what is right and I understand that

also to complicate matters, our relationship, was physical from the start, and that I think was a mistake, our time alone, always ended up in sex, and almost never in conversation to get to know one another. This was in part my fault, though I will not claim it all, he was just as ready for it as I was.

what I feel underneath all of my mental gymnastics, and petty anger, selfish self centered "depression" is what I have always felt, and what has made me the person I am today, the enduring loneliness of being alone.

However, I know now in a way that I never had before that this is not permanent, that somewhere out there, at leas one other person finds that I am attractive, and wanted me, and for all I know my still want me, just not at this cost.

If one exists, then I know others do was well, I am alone right now, but not the same way I used to be, believing in my heart that alone was all I ever could be.

Ben i thank you for that, I truly do. this however will not let him off the hook for an inperson conversation that I will have with him in the near future, because Damn it, if he says just friends, I want to know what the hell that means, because lets face it, I do not have enough gay friends to let one vanish from my life, because he told me that he did not want to date, and have sex anymore. that would be stupid in ways even I am afrade to have.

HOWEVER, just because he is valuable to me, does not mean that I will pay any price to keep him, this change will be a compromise, or it will be a clean break.

I truly hope that compromise will work, I do deep in my heart, hope so.


AS always questions comments and advice are welcome

Signed
Schmendrick