Akhenaton (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} akhenaton) wrote,@ 2006-10-09 23:13:00 |
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attraction, sex and expetations
I have of late been spending a great deal of time in my own mind, more than normal, sence I ended my Zen class, and there has been lots bubbling up,
i have been wrestling with the little questions of the self, like who am I, what do I want, what shoudl I do, how am I going to deal, and who si this damned I person anyway. of course beacuse life is the way that it is, all rwisred stories that never come out quite like you think they should, but they do tend to come out, in the end (yes pun intended) Any way as I was saying beacuse of life, things thatare out side have complicated matters greatly in my own mind. The things that I associate with me have been changing. my self controle, I know is better than it was, but I beguin to feel that it will never live up to my own exectations of what it should be. but that is part of life, being able to look your self in the eye, and see how truely human you are, and uderstand about all the messy parts that you really fo not like, and undertsyanfing that what you hate most in others, is really what you hate most in the mirror, and accepting that is who you are at the moment, and knowing that it does not have to be that way the next moment.
I have becom assoicated with, involved is to strong a word for it, with a man, named Paul, who is in effect my dream man, he is tall redhaired, an excelent dancer, very intelegent, loves a good argument, and is by the way, a fundamentalist christan, who is stright. I would bitch and moan about my luck, but sometimes you really do not want what you wish for, and getting it makes you misserable. At least this time, I was able to see what my wish would create, at least in shadow. Well I have severly limited contact with him, beacuse while I tend to listen and take to heart in my own twisted way what people say to me, and he is very persuasive, he apprently does notand I can not afford to have him in my head when I am so attrackted to him especialy with other factors.
Other factors, I have been struggling with how to express this sence it happened, over laborday weekend. I think I will go with my old stand by, be deadly blunt, and then explain the finer points later. I got fucked over laborday, I mean that litteraly, I lost my verginity. It was not what I hoped it would be, not to any streach of the immagaination. In fact, it was the exact oposite of what I had always hoped it would go. I always immagained it would be with a person I loved, when we were in a long term relationship. I had always immagained they would be my age or younger, i had always immagained someone who was rather willowy, I had always though I was a top. Well the fact that it was a one night stand, with an older man, who was a bear, who I will never see or speek to again, (porbably, not by design, just beacuse I do not think I will)
loseing my verginity was in some ways like loseing a friend, there was the sharp pain when it happened, then a strange period that I am still in learning what they means for my, what all that I took for granted inside my own head was tied to, and depended on that fact for continued existance. I think over all it was good to finaly lose it, and just be done with it, so I could move on, but I wish in some ways that I had not. but, what is done is done, and well I can not take it back, nor do I really want to,
life is strange, and truely more complex than even I can make it, I miss my friends, all of them, everywhere.
oh well, untill next time
Questions commentes, and advicer are welcome
Signed
Akhenaton
I have of late been spending a great deal of time in my own mind, more than normal, sence I ended my Zen class, and there has been lots bubbling up,
i have been wrestling with the little questions of the self, like who am I, what do I want, what shoudl I do, how am I going to deal, and who si this damned I person anyway. of course beacuse life is the way that it is, all rwisred stories that never come out quite like you think they should, but they do tend to come out, in the end (yes pun intended) Any way as I was saying beacuse of life, things thatare out side have complicated matters greatly in my own mind. The things that I associate with me have been changing. my self controle, I know is better than it was, but I beguin to feel that it will never live up to my own exectations of what it should be. but that is part of life, being able to look your self in the eye, and see how truely human you are, and uderstand about all the messy parts that you really fo not like, and undertsyanfing that what you hate most in others, is really what you hate most in the mirror, and accepting that is who you are at the moment, and knowing that it does not have to be that way the next moment.
I have becom assoicated with, involved is to strong a word for it, with a man, named Paul, who is in effect my dream man, he is tall redhaired, an excelent dancer, very intelegent, loves a good argument, and is by the way, a fundamentalist christan, who is stright. I would bitch and moan about my luck, but sometimes you really do not want what you wish for, and getting it makes you misserable. At least this time, I was able to see what my wish would create, at least in shadow. Well I have severly limited contact with him, beacuse while I tend to listen and take to heart in my own twisted way what people say to me, and he is very persuasive, he apprently does notand I can not afford to have him in my head when I am so attrackted to him especialy with other factors.
Other factors, I have been struggling with how to express this sence it happened, over laborday weekend. I think I will go with my old stand by, be deadly blunt, and then explain the finer points later. I got fucked over laborday, I mean that litteraly, I lost my verginity. It was not what I hoped it would be, not to any streach of the immagaination. In fact, it was the exact oposite of what I had always hoped it would go. I always immagained it would be with a person I loved, when we were in a long term relationship. I had always immagained they would be my age or younger, i had always immagained someone who was rather willowy, I had always though I was a top. Well the fact that it was a one night stand, with an older man, who was a bear, who I will never see or speek to again, (porbably, not by design, just beacuse I do not think I will)
loseing my verginity was in some ways like loseing a friend, there was the sharp pain when it happened, then a strange period that I am still in learning what they means for my, what all that I took for granted inside my own head was tied to, and depended on that fact for continued existance. I think over all it was good to finaly lose it, and just be done with it, so I could move on, but I wish in some ways that I had not. but, what is done is done, and well I can not take it back, nor do I really want to,
life is strange, and truely more complex than even I can make it, I miss my friends, all of them, everywhere.
oh well, untill next time
Questions commentes, and advicer are welcome
Signed
Akhenaton
